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HELP WANTED - Campaign Aide

Professor John Frary is gaining traction in the 2nd district - it is becoming clear to insiders that he now represents the best opportunity that Maine conservatives and libertarians have had in a generation to actually elect someone who will break the mold.

Having spent over $100,000 on astonishingly original ads in 36 area newspapers and launched the most intriguing website ever seen in politics ( www.fraryforcongress.com ), Frary is poised to shock Mike Michaud and the Martin machine this November. As Frary puts it: 'The electorate is in a strange and ugly mood; they may be looking for a strange and ugly candidate'.

'One of my principal reasons for running for Congress is curiosity.Most voters claim they are sick of being fed hokum, bogus sentiments and deceptive promises by politicians. The campaign I have in mind should enable me to get some idea of how many are lying; how many really derive a certain comfort and reassurance by being routinely Hornswoggled.

'My longstanding curiosity about how many voters are permanently, incurably brain-dead has already been satisfied. The latest polls show that 9 percent of the voters approve of the current Congress. I'm aiming at the other 91% in my campaign.'

But we have a problem, and it is a serious one. The plague of the brain dead goes far beyond the electorate. The once proud Republican Party is but a shell of its previous self. The infrastructure that produces skilled political operatives for our team in Maine has been atrophying for decades. The volunteers and ambitious young people that looked for upset campaigns to work for so they could break into the Big Leagues has almost vanished. Professor Frary needs a volunteer coordinator - less than a fourth of the district has been covered.Frary needs staff to compile lists, pursue fundraising, coordinate events, you name it.

Take campaign aide for instance. An ordinary kid might say, 'Gee,what's the big deal?' An extraordinary kid will say 'I get to travel the entire district with one of the most fascinating candidates in decades and meet every person of importance living north of Augusta, and most of the ones living south of Augusta? Where do I sign!'. The ordinary schmuck says 'Does my compensation plan include dental?' Guess which one we are looking for? And by the way, a prospectus for your job as campaign aide is available (below).

So we are looking for some extraordinary people - the ones who can think beyond the mundane. They get to stay in a mansion, rub elbows with a Who's Who of Maine politics and maybe even be there at the biggest upset of the century. They get room and board, and if they want more, we will give them the same compensation plan our candidate gets (we drain your bank account and you end up with a line in your obituary that reads 'Rumored to have been involved in the Fabled Frary Campaign'), With luck, you keep your sanity.

So please send this out to the Usual Suspects, and let us know who will bite. I'm not kidding you - the Frary campaign is as much fun as you will ever have with your pants on.
Thank you,

Lance Harvell (207) 491-8971
Campaign Manager - the Frary Campaign

John Frary is a Farmington selectman, a retired history professor, and an associate editor of the International Military Encyclopedia. He is the Republican candidate in Maine's 2nd Congressional District.

Campaign Aide Prospectus

DUTIES: Easing the path of the candidate and making him look good. EASING the path of the CANDIDATE and making HIM LOOK GOOD.

Sample Ethical Question:

The candidate ends a long tempestuous relationship by bludgeoning his girlfriend to death with a pop tart box. You enter and witness the grisly scene (blueberries everywhere, etc). You should:

A) Call the police

B) Call an attorney.

C) Call his opponent and ask for a job

D) Explain to the candidate that his actions are unforgivable and then ask 'Now where can we hide the body?'.

KEY: A & B: you are not cut out for politics, and should consider careers in the food service or housekeeping fields; C - promising, but no, , see me privately for further instruction; and D - was there ever any doubt in your mind?

Campaigns are chaotic and can be very stressful on the candidate, who is losing a fortune and his hair while trying to save the Republic. Are they stressful for campaign aides also? CORRECT ANSWER: Who cares?

The campaign aide should keep the candidates environment and car clean and orderly, take care of the candidates personal needs (the dump run,the dry cleaners, the food supply) while maintaining a spotless personal appearance. There are campaigns in which the candidate spent $500,000 and waged an exhaustive effort but lost by 4 votes BECAUSE HE HAD TO GO TO THE DUMP 15 TIMES DURING THE CAMPAIGN while his aide lounged around filing his nails.

HAVE A SCHEDULE AND KEEP TO IT. Make the path smooth. Open doors. Stay behind the candidate. Barely give your name, and then only if asked. Make a space for the candidate and then let him exploit it. Announce the candidate to small groups. Take charge in parades. Always be cheerful and never look worried. Do not let one person monopolize the candidate's time. Wipe the candidates shirt, tie or ass if necessary. If there is sex on the campaign trail, you won't be having it. No drinking, no days off (for you). Do not expect to be paid - you should be paying the candidate for the privilege of serving him. If the candidate is buying, always order the cheapest thing on the menu, and never a beverage.. Dress loud and draw attention to your cause - the suit and tie stuff is for people who have jobs, which you don't.

And be grateful you are in America. In most countries, they shoot the losers. Here in the USA, all you have to do is repair your credit, and start looking for another campaign.

¤ Home ¤ Forum & Emporium ¤ Why Am I Running? ¤ Peak Oil ¤ But SerIously, Folks... ¤ Frary's Women ¤
¤ Frary Family Saga ¤ Issues and Bunk¤ Dumb & Dumberer ¤ Dollars to Doughnuts ¤ Libertarian Impulse ¤
¤ War and Fleece ¤ Mike Michaud Fan Page ¤ Two Faces of Sleaze ¤